i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
