She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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