My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
