Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
