ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
