Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
