my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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