Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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