dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
