I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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