I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
