You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
