booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
