My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
