remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
