I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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