So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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