I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
