we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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