The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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