Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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