If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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