I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
