So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
