are you still at the devil's house?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
