I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
