see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
