I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize