Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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