My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
