I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
