Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
