Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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