I got chris browned last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
