I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize