I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
