new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A bitchslap is in order.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
