closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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