Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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