last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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