The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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