sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
