We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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