Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
