my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
