My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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