a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
