Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
