you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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