he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
