break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
