Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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