My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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