I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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