Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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