I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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