I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
