We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
