happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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