But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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