I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
