I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's never too late to be topless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
