saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
