i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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