my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
