He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
