I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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