i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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