take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
