This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
