I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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