I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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