I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
